I've taken to private journaling in recent months - all pages that require burning. It's all good. I do have a filter on my public writing. It's been the first 12 months following a divorce and death of my mother and much of that processing and growth has not been something I've wanted to share with anyone.
My 16 year old daughter is dating. I think she has a male suitor at every ski mountain she raced at this year; Sun Valley, Jackson Hole. She was taken to Italian dinner in Idaho, ice cream in Jackson Hole. She's headed to Vermont to visit her dad in a few weeks and I've had to put her father on notice that about three young men are hot to trot to see her while she's there. Someone joked "like mother like daughter". Not really. But I'm grateful that I have seen a bunch of male behavior in regards to my own experience that I can properly advise her as things come up as a single woman in ways I would not have if my marriage had remained intact.
In just a year, I've dated some incredible men. I have been asked out on a Wednesday for a Saturday and had the most intelligent intellectually stimulating conversation with men with interesting careers who want to talk about them over filet minion that cuts like butter. I've dined in the best ethnic restaurants in town. I have had sweet tailgate takeout dates in styrofoam that cost under $10. I've been taken on hikes to the most beautiful spots in Utah. Been taken to the divest greasy spoons with the best $2 breakfasts in Salt Lake City and have felt entertained. I've been walked around temple perimeters as a man queried me and considered me for marriage. I've had doors opened for me. Jumped on my trampoline and laughed until I almost cried. Been picked up at my front door before a date. Walked to my front door after a date. I've had a man insist on walking on the road side of the sidewalk to keep me out of possible harm from traffic. I've had a man flinch in a sketchy dark parking garage and place me under his arm when shady characters watched us get into a car. A man I knew from back east got on a plane and flew across the continent to spend time with me. I've been taken to the theater. I've had a man shred the heck out of bounds with me on skis - and then insist on not only carrying my skis to and fro my car, but strongly offer to remove my ski boots for me on the tailgate of my car.
Maybe it's Utah culture. I don't know, but these are men who put themselves out there every day and shield women from that first possible rejection that comes with vulnerability by offering their own vulnerability via chivalry first. That's manly. That's kind of hot. Remember with vulnerability comes just a slight bit of attachment and when either gender can protect the other from hurt in the early phases, this is where intimacy is built.
For every one man who is capable of the above, there are TEN men who look exactly alike and it goes something like this.... professional texters who text like it's their job. Never quite pull the trigger on accelerating things to a date let alone a grownup relationship seeped in juicy vulnerability and intimacy. Their notion of a date is in fact, a beta female, who will bring takeout sushi over for both of them and watch a movie. In his bed. And still not call it a date. That's actually the smartest bit in this sequence... because it's not.
A woman who does this has a couple of things going on 1) she has low self esteem and a false idea that this will actually turn into something meaningful 2) her bio clock is ticking whether she knows it or not and she degrades herself physically and emotionally to increase odds that this will turn into something meaningful.
LADIES, STOP! STOP RIGHT NOW! This is breeding an entire population of men with great potential who never quite live up to it. Men who become lazy with women. You are ruining it for me. More importantly, you are ruining it for my daughter. My son. I'm telling you strait, that a man who behaves this way...is not over an ex, or into someone else, or been so successful texting women into his bed and acclimated to aggressive maneuvers by women that he's lost his primal hunting instinct around obtaining a mate. You don't want this in a husband.
I don't know if you women have considered this yet, but I'm clear that I want a man who is going to know how to fend off a saber-toothed tiger at the cave door rather than look at me and wait for me to make a decision or do something. I want him to show me these skills while dating me. For a long time.
If dating is to explore marriage and evaluate the partnership potential of a dating companion.. and the saying goes "Happy Wife, Happy Life"... I'm suggesting that dating a man who demonstrates laziness in the dating relationship, will make a woman REALLY unhappy in her marriage. SO GET PASSIVE. Stop thinking so much and start just watching them. Please. Give these boys time and space to grow up into men who wield big fire sticks or clubs. Until then, don't take sushi to their house. Not ever. Just watch them and remember YOU decide if you are going to partner with a man who treats you to fire-pit saber-toothed tiger or you instead become the meal.
I have a responsibility to my teen daughter, and son - to show them what it looks like to not settle for laziness in a man just because biology has her own agenda. I've been tempted to make excuses for men. I've been tempted to give men the benefit of the doubt while they ask me to be their travel agent and plan an entire excursion. No thanks. I should be a travel agent. I'm quite skilled at making fun plans. I do it all the time for my kids. I did it routinely in my first marriage. I want a partner who knows how to entertain me, because when a long marriage becomes at risk, I want to know that the man I selected has the skills and tools to fight for it and for me when I just don't have it in me anymore.
I no longer have that biological chemical pressure - I mean, I have chemical pressure as my own ticking clock winds itself down lending to a strong desire to find a meaningful partner I can have long term sort of "relations" with and do it soon. But I generally can make mindful dating decisions without hormonal pressure like I had at 21. Middle-age and it's resulting loss, grief and sucky experience that 20 or 30 somethings just don't have yet, lends itself to knowing who I am and what I want. I know my limitations and my deep desires in regards for connection and a companion.
There are so many incredible people out there. Enjoy your sushi in your own company until he finds you, club and passport to Cuba in hand, ready to dance in Havana.
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