This blog began in 2011 as a chronicle of my happenstance home educating my children...and country life in rural Vermont. I posted things we cooked, places we went.
I find it interesting that I began it when my marriage began to be really strained in 2011. It was a creative outlet for me to share with someone...anyone out there... fun and interesting things in my life with some humor. I felt less lonely as isolated as I was on a farm with chickens and a sled team of Siberian huskies. It was a way for me to feel like I had adult social connections.Writing became really useful and therapeutic to later chronicle about the hard things. It was reflective of my deep processing of massive change in my life and how it impacted day to day activity for me.
Adjusting during transition....well..there is no adjusting...it's more like...surviving... writing and publishing became something I clung on to. I had a lot of feedback during this time that my willingness to be vulnerable and raw was refreshing to people -- in an online world of carefully choreographed, edited and filtered lifestyles that make many wonder why they can't be edited, filtered, choreographed and fabulous like so many bloggers appear.
For those who are just peeking in now... my marriage fell apart...my children and I moved from rural Vermont to suburban/urban Utah... and my Mother acquired a terminal illness during this time and passed away ~ all in the last two years.
In a nutshell, my coping mechanisms were...
Year 1:
I committed to monthly random acts of Service, monthly visits to the temple and perfect tithing. I posted a chart of Ben Franklin's 13 virtues on the inside of my pantry door and checked off the virtues I embodied each week and marked the ones I botched. I did these things and logged them every month. I wish I had blogged more about the service things I did and my struggles and successes with Ben Franklin, but if I published them, that would kind of negate the random and often anonymous acts I performed. And truthfully, I probably faltered more than thrived with Ben and wasn't up for sharing the details of that. But I got good at stocking up on tinfoil pans and always had ingredients of lasagna ready to go and drop at someone's door at a moments notice from church that a need was there. I left small gifts on front porches. I shoveled the elderly lady's driveway next-door or took out her trash. I was trying to build new habits that transcended myself and my own situation.
The idea behind these things was to get the focus off of myself during some deep grief periods. But I also walked and unloaded frequently with girlfriends. I would visit and cry and laugh and vent with them. They were kind to hold space for me during this time and offer a empathetic ears as my life changed. I had that one friend, though, who masters the art of calling me on the carpet with my own behavior. Everyone needs just one person in their life like this. It's transformative. She's the one that still stands as close friends and confidants come and go. That, is deep friendship and love. If you don't have one of these in your arsenal of friends or family, I recommend finding one. This peculiar and very valuable relationship deserves an entry of its own.
I took a ten week workshop on Brene Brown's Shame and Vulnerability. I knew I needed help when I felt my heart closing, hardening up.... and felt shame as I looked longingly at the wedding bands on women I passed in the store...feeling like something must be wrong with me that I couldn't hang on to my husband and 15 year marriage. I had to sit in that shame puddle and really feel it fully before I could stand back up and brush myself off. It was hard work.
I also experimented with a ton of chaste dating. I had to throw that word "chaste" in there, because in modern dating culture, "lots of dating" garners eye brow raises and implies...well...physical intimacy. No, no. I went on lots of first and a small handful of second or third dates but was absolutely not ready for any thing more committed than that. One lovely man flitted in and out for about five months - around the time a relationship is evaluated for the next level of commitment. Wasn't ready.
Year 2
Following my mother's illness and death, I ceased rapid fire dating, trimmed in my social circle, and really circled the wagons around my children. The Littles and I returned to home schooling after a one year positive experiment with public school. The eldest two children really spread their wings with their athletics and took off. With intention I've been working to make space for a relationship in my life. Glimpses of that has been healing and fun. I really just want some fun. I head to Maui in a week! I think that's going to be fun.
I also ruthlessly abandoned serving others during this time and turned the focus more on myself. I wanted to build more confidence, stand taller, and be comfortable in my own skin. I hired a personal trainer and have been hitting the gym 3-4 times a week for nine months, I weaned my toddler, got him his own bed, I got regular pedicures, Invisalign, skin care and started washing my face at night - I inherited great skin from my mother and neither of us ever bothered to take our makeup off at the end of the day - this had to change. The last two years had aged me a bit. This all worked well. I feel better. Next time I drop a lasagna off.. I can do it with a brighter smile and glowing skin.
So what's next?
Year 3 will be about financial independence. Every ounce of my energy will likely go into actions that make me more financially independent, secure and have the ability to save. I've been doing midwifery and birth work for other midwives - most recently the Birthwise group - but I have always maintained my own boutique midwifery practice. I plan to expand this. I'm contemplating a fun investment project with some new friends. My future writing will likely be discussing some of these new things.
We just had our first professional session of family photos done. I bartered with a friend who is talented behind the camera but hasn't launched her own photog shop yet - I helped her at the birth of her second child and she took some incredible photos of us. I actually love how choreographed, edited and maybe filtered it looks. Expect more like this!
Follow me on Instagram @shabbyski or my midwife page @segolilymidwife for daily glimpses into our lives.
Ciao!
