Courage: Showing up in the arena with no guarantees

I've lightly referenced my swimming in the deep waters of Brene Brown this year.  Since January, I've read her two best selling books, Daring Greatly and I thought it was me, but it isn't.  I've also taken a ten week workshop on her work, because apparently, I like to frequently sit in my own shame puddle.

No seriously, it was some degree of agony mixed with catharsis.  The work has changed me.  Made me more creative.  It helped me understand and come to terms with what happened inside my marriage. As we hit midlife, the marriage was no longer a vehicle for meeting our individual needs and most ardently not repairable.  I feel bolder to publish my thoughts.  I'm getting comfortable with that uncomfortable act of embracing my self regardless of who is looking.  So I've gone out and picked up her latest book Rising Strong, because apparently, I have more work to do.  I found an audio interview with Brene Brown that inspired this post.  The link is posted at the end.

I'm better at recognizing my shame triggers. Recognizing them reduces any harmful acting out we all tend to do when those triggers are tripped.  It might take me a few weeks to understand what's happening for me.  I'm aiming for getting to just a few minutes to process.  Still, at least some processing is happening.

To wear courage, one must first be vulnerable.  To be vulnerable, one must first get really intimate with shame.  We all have our own and unique "shame triggers".  Shame is a universal human emotion.  It washes over all of us similarly.   We each have our own ways of responding to and resisting shame which negates vulnerably and by default blocks courage and connection with others.

Brown's social research concluded that shame is not unique to women.  Men feel it too.  Where women's shame has been researched to be rooted in body image and one's degree of grace and accomplishment, men are found to hold shame around "do not be perceived as weak".

According to Brene Brown, a woman who has done her work is one that can just "be" with a man in his shame and vulnerability without rejecting him for it or confusing it as weakness.

In contrast, when a man can hold space for a woman in her shame and suffering...without trying to problem solve or fix... thats a man who has done his work...

Brene reminds us, "One of the deepest paradoxes about vulnerability (is this)...When I meet you, vulnerability is the very first thing I try to find in you.  And it's the very last thing I want to show you in me.  ...because It's the glue that holds connection together.  Its all about our common humanity.  When we own our stories, and  share our stories with one another and we see ourselves reflected back in the people in our lives, we know we are not alone.  It's the heart of wholeheartedness, the center of spirituality.  It's the nature of connection... to be able to see myself, and hear myself and learn more about myself in the stories you tell about your experiences."

I'm paraphrasing Brene here when she says...It is a willingness to show up and be seen in our lives. Courage is born completely in vulnerability.  I would argue, so is love.  If we haven't come to terms with all of our shame triggers, then how can we fully love another?

Common shame triggers are often rooted in getting hurt, feeling rejected, abandonment.  I could write an article about what my particular shame triggers are, but I'd like to leave a shred of mystique.

Working through, in and among shame and vulnerability is the practice of being in the arena and being uncomfortable.... it does not go well all the time for any of us.

Brene extracts the lyric from the popular song Hallelujah. 

"Love is not a victory march.  Its a cold and broken Hallelujah"  - 

Enjoy the my very favorite acoustic version of Hallelujah right here....

Showing up in the arena - with no guarantees - helps people around us get braver... I think that's why Brene Brown is an accidental best selling author and why 20,000 people have accidentally looked at this blog.  We crave authenticity and honesty and vulnerability.

"It's when we lose our capacity to hold space (in these) struggles that we become dangerous.."  When you figure out and master all of the above, the million dollar question becomes, what do YOU do when you are witnessing another in shame?  If you are like much of the general population, you are just glad it's not you.  Maybe you are just a little grateful that it's someone else getting mauled in the arena this time.  When was the last time you set foot in the arena?  Have you ever, really-ventured-in?

When talking about sharing our life struggles Brene's interviewer offers,  "What goes wrong for us is part of our gift to the world.  It's what enables us to connect and be compassionate."

Regarding Midlife crisis or what Brene calls Midlife unraveling..."There is a place and time in our lives where we realize that growing up, when we felt pain, when we felt small, when we felt unseen....We constructed walls and moats and we protected ourselves and we shut down parts of ourselves.  This happens in midlife where we realize - Oh God -  to be the person we want to be, to be the partner, to be the parent; we have to take down everything we put up that was supposed to be keeping us safe and that has not served us."

When we shut down vulnerability - we shut down joy.  Many ask themselves,  "Do I take this all down and be seen?  Or do I keep it all up?  Most keep it all up and it is just so heavy."  She attributes this to those who age poorly or rapidly, when we cannot get on top of and master our shame demons. They are mastered by speaking them.

"If courage is a value that we hold as important then vulnerability is the only way in and through."

Most of us are brave and afraid in the exact same moment all day long."

Here is the hour long audio clip where much of this material was extracted...

https://soundcloud.com/onbeing/brene-brown-the-courage-to-be-vulnerable

Ciao!