The Dating Game Show

A little over a month ago, I reluctantly ventured out into the dating world.  I went out to dinner, breakfast and coffeehouses with a small handful of men ~ahem~ about one a week for four weeks.  It felt like more of a social experiment for myself.  It was awkward going out after being married for so many years.  But it felt amazing to give myself permission to move on and step into my future, by being present...

It felt like a little bit a lot too soon...so with some *divine intervention*, I brought the entire operation to a screaming halt a couple of weeks ago to regroup and gather myself.  A still small voice (not really) via text knocked some sense into me that things were moving a bit hasty for my timing of just getting out of my marriage.

{Deep breath...smoothing my hair with my hands... smoothing my blouse...smoothing my skirt...slight smile...another deep breath...bigger smile, maybe a giggle..}

  Ok, I'm thinking I'm almost ready to give it another go.

I met some really interesting and accomplished and even some mysterious people in that first month...But FIRST, let me just say... it's really too bad that the fella I kinda wanted to get to know the most was the FIRST date I had.  I was totally awkward, in a stupid sort of way.  Like... a teenager who is maybe out past her curfew and shy and wondering if she wore the right thing or is saying the right stuff or should she even be there at all... Or another analogy is when a teenager is starstruck in the presence of a rock star or famous person.  I know that sounds nonsensical, but that's how I felt on my first date.  I was kinda...a nervous mess.  Maybe it didn't show on the outside, but on the inside...I was a friggin' pile of excrement.  Elated, grateful to be there, wondering if I looked okay and sounded okay.  Really puerile stuff... the problem is, rather than really being present and getting to know this individual to explore if he had a potential place with me, I was too caught up in my own innards that were a bit tied up in knots to really stay present.  I guess it had to be a great guy that would cause me to feel a quarter my age (that would be approximately ten years old) for me to realize that when the stakes seem high, that's precisely the time to really get present and to carry with me the "take me as I am or leave me" sort of attitude and "tell me a lot more about YOU." rather than put too much thought into how likable I might be.  The fact that I had to go through these ridiculous mental gymnastics at all reflects on my state of mind and heart after leaving and grieving a failed marriage.  I guess everyone has to go through a first date post divorce just once.

So onward I ventured with more dating with some variety to flex those emotional "muscles" that have been suppressed for a long time.  I'm really pleased with where I ended up emotionally and mentally after just a month.  I think I have struck the perfect balance for me of being open, honest and vulnerable yet comfortable and confident....enough to walk from the people who are not quite right for me or have timing that is not in sync or rhythm with mine.  This feels like finding a needle in a haystack.

Maybe instead...this should become my mission:

With the progression of each date, I felt myself get more and more comfortable in my own skin, more comfortable talking to men outside my marriage, and comfortable making a little game out of it.  Not a lot...just a little.  Since I failed to secure a second date invitation right away out of the first first date, and maybe also the second,  I made it a mission by my third and fourth to secure second date invites before we left.  SCORE.  Did I go on the second dates?  Nope.  I was just after the invites.  I'm starting to get the hang of this and how this rolls.

I did feel like a therapist on one of the dates.  It felt kinda heavy after the year I had myself.  Made me realize they were not quite ready to date...and maybe I wasn't either... I think I inspired one of my dates to return to his wife and children. Wouldn't that qualify me as an #epicfail of a date?...No seriously, I think he should go back to his wife and kids...

One date flung the F-word probably half a dozen times and actually, may or may not have mentioned something about sex tapes at least once or twice.... I quietly sipped my hot cocoa and gazed into his eyes with some seductive batting of eyelashes and I shamefully toyed with not revealing the extent of my IQ...because remember, this was the date that I had a mission to secure the second date before we parted ways....odd what success sometimes equates between some combinations of men and women.

Two men invited me to the exact same location.  I kinda wondered what the staff/baristas might think of me, always popping in and out with different men.

"Hey, this place wasn't my idea either time - but by now you know that I roll with my hot cocoa with WHOLE milk AND whipped cream, thanks.  No, not to go.  We're staying, so I'll take that cute mug with the funny handle you gave me a few days ago, okay?"  

Next time I get invited there, I will have to wear a hat or very big sunglasses or alter my hair color again.

I played with a couple of dating sites... It was fun and interesting to notice the change in levels of page views converted to actual contact via email when I tweaked my profile summary just a bit.  It seems people actually read the stuff.  In one instance, I might have mentioned that my ideal Hollywood movie couple was the couple from '300' as an experiment to see what happened.  Wow, did that trigger some serious noise.  I eventually took that bait down.  It occurred to me that there is a really hot sex scene in that movie that probably most of the guys are thinking of...meanwhile, I was thinking honestly of the relational dynamics between the couple.  #marsvenus

One dating site was mormon-specific which I liked better than the main-stream one, as I decided that it makes the most sense to seek a partner who shares my faith.  Within FIVE minutes of me logging into the site for the first time, I was sexted...YES, I said SEXTED...by a guy supposedly an active member of the Church.  He started chatting about how much hotter it was where he was in Oklahoma... I asked about the weather and he immediately started talking about taking clothes off and what was I wearing!?  This all in the third line of his chat! I think my hasty response was "not taking the bait.." and closed the window.   I almost bailed on the site all together right then and there, but decided that hopefully that was likely an isolated event and I would not be deterred from my intention to meet new people.  I did not seek or accept any dates yet on this site because...well I have a few more weeks to go until my legal paperwork / ducks are in order and I'm officially divorced and the kind of man I seek would actually have a problem with that not completely resolved.  I have the blessing of the children's father...both stated and implied - so I feel good to go, but it's not all about me, is it?

It has been about two weeks since I let my profiles sit dormant to give it a rest and refocus on my children and myself.  I've been literally and physically living as a lone adult for ten months and metaphorically and physically alone for almost two years.  I am over the grief of my marriage and have found lots of joy in embracing my family as a single head of household.  I occasionally have short pangs of loneliness for adult conversation and male companionship that I hope to find again one day.

Funny that just as those pangs set in tonight, a girlfriend and neighbor sent me a random "checking in" text.  I thanked her for the contact and told her that she had just caught me in one of those "moments".  She said "I knew it! Interesting what the Spirit speaks".  Yes.. it is interesting.  And I totally trust it.  I trust it in myself and I implicitly  trust the whisperings of the Spirit in others who  receive it.  I think the Spirit and I will have some fun together through this dating-thing!

Ciao!