Dating with Children

* Disclaimer:     I received some nice notes in my inbox from yesterday's post and I felt prompted to lead with this disclaimer today...   This blog is not to glamorize divorce or dating.  I feel marriage and families are the best platforms to work through our junk in the trunk.  I worked very hard over the past few years to keep my marriage and family together.  Sometimes I think these things can actually be contagious, so please do not allow my writing to somehow inspire you to fracture your family.  I haven't let readers a window into my suffering and instead expressed it through silence and a setting down of the quill.  Before this week, my last post was in May...  



Today I wanted to write about dating with children because I've had many inquiries about it.  If you've followed me at all, you know by now that I have homeschooled them for eight years.  What this means is that we spend A LOT of time together.  We know each other in ways I would not if they were in a bricks and mortar educational place.  I'm an expert at how each of them learns.  I know most of their secrets.  They know most of mine.  I'm so blessed to have decided to carve this path out for myself and them.  It's forever changed us and added a richness and depth to our relationships.


How does this affect their presence around my dating?  When I make any major parenting decisions (birthing at home, breastfeeding, vaccination, home education, athletics), I like to read and hear from a variety of voices on the matter... then, I typically make some major -against the grain, off-the-conveyor-belt decision that always always turns out best for my family.  On dating with children.... I've read a plethora of articles on the subject.  Articles from professionals, articles from divorcees.  It's kind of like the vaccination debate...I think if one more person passes judgement on the way another parents, I'm going to punch them in the face.  What matters is the end result.. that we have self-aware kids who turn into adults who love to learn, and are engaged with and productive in society in a meaningful way.  That's my mission, anyway, and hopefully a path to happiness for them.  

My kids are highly involved with my culling process of men right now at the surface level.  Here is a primer on online dating... In a given month, I may have 3,000 men viewing my profile - the site lets you know who views you... Out of that ~ maybe 30 will decide to actually contact me.   Out of that, I may only find one or two in a given month that I'm interested in allowing a pursuit of me and even after that, issues come up early in dating that cause you to start the process all over again!  It's a total numbers game.  I may as well have some laughs about it all with the children if they are going to see me on the screen a little more than normal.  We DO have some giggle moments where we are doubled over laughing through it all.  It's taken the online dating thing from something that I might have felt should be kept underground to something I can have a lot of fun with and enjoy with them like Madden Xbox!  Speaking of X-Box, the kids are contemplating creating my own Madden football team of fallen date partners who either by their choice or mine opted not to continue on.  We give them their own jersey with their name on it and create a body type and look, and then play football with them.  It's funny stuff.  My kids have a sense of humor.

No one has met my children yet.  This will be another threshold to cross.  My children will know that when they meet someone, this person has been highly selected and culled from the haystack to get to this point, but it won't mean anything but dinner, or breakfast or whatever is happening at that moment.  It will be my responsibility at that point to ensure that neither my children nor the man who meets them expects anything other than that first fist bump, high five or whatever awkward thing they all choose to do to greet each other, while I step into the kitchen to put the flowers in a vase or something.



At this point, the kids have only a superficial list of criteria for a man I am dating.  I'm sure they will expand upon this in the future.  I've actually left a couple big ones off this list because...well...not all things are for sharing!  Some of their criteria I can live with and some, well... may need some loosening up as time goes on, but for now....I'll let them have all the power they want in the process...  Examples are:

* Good mormon Utah hair (Utah men have some seriously amazing hair out here)

* Be able to throw a spiral with a football

* Love football and sports

* Have a testimony of Jesus Christ and be active in the Church (yes, this is important to the children!)

* Drive a truck is a plus but not required....

Do they already sound like little employers seeking a new hire?  Is there learning for them in this?  Yes!   We are already plotting for that first meet and greet that will eventually occur.  I'm asking them to visualize what that might look like to them and how that will make them feel and to remind them that although they are not quite in the driver's seat, they sure are co-pilots with a set of controls.  It's amazing how assuring this is and how relaxed they are becoming.  They seem to totally trust me and this process and have a knowing that their lives are going to eventually be enhanced because of it and because of who is allowed to venture into their sacred space.  They feel really safe, even after a difficult few years.

Ciao!

There have been over 16,000 visits to my blog since inception without promoting it at all, so I'd like to have a little fun with this and see what I can generate if I push it out more!  Feel free to help by moving it along if you see something of value or entertaining.