Dating with kids, though.... I haven't figured out the magic recipe for their level of involvement... Has anyone?
On one end of the spectrum, is the parent (probs most often the dad) who chooses his partner totally independent of his children and tosses everyone - including the new GF or wife, in the emotional deep end, figuring they'll all be able to adequately swim and later Kum-ba-yah together.
On the other end of the spectrum, is involving the kids in dating patterns from the outset and giving them a sense on who is spending time with mom, or sharing their attention. Out of this, the shallowness of one's children will often be revealed:
"What kind of car does he drive?"
"Does he have good hair? He has to have good hair."
"Yeah - but does he lift? Is he fit?"
"Does he SKI? I mean, does the bro really ski?"
"Is he cool? Can he hang?"
I'm ashamed to think what my children focus on first. We need to work on this.
Anyone who knows us well, knows that my home is filled with laughter. Right or wrong, we all roast each other a bit -- it's a sign of affection between us -- so you can imagine my single / dating life offers up prime roasting material. It keeps everyone laughing really hard - including me. As long as we can laugh together, it's so worth including them. It helps us feel closer, too. I'd like to think it helps them feel safer - that I'm not going to get serious with someone in a way that's going to dramatically impact their lives, without them participating in some way - even if just hearing about some things, from the beginning.
Oh - it's super fun when my 16 year old daughter dishes out dating advice to me - especially when it takes on a lecturing tone. She talks from the perspective of someone who has clearly never fallen in love and consequently never had her heart smashed into a gazillion pieces. She speaks with quite a bit of authority on the subject, though. Sometimes I scratch my head and say, "Wait, whose the parent, here?"
My children have been easy through this. The challenge for me has been, managing men's expectations around the level or non-level of my children's involvement. One man insisted by the third date or so to take my kids to ice cream. A well-meaning neighbor had taken the kids back to their house, thinking I'd appreciate the alone time with my date and probably wanted to spare my kids from the perceived stress of meeting a new man. This turned circus-like when my date arrived to me alone in the house, folded his arms across his chest and said:
"Where are the kids?"
I was all like... (nervously laughing) "Let me explain my neighborhood. Everyone basically lives at each other's homes and my kids are all down the street and...."
"Well let's go get them."
Awkward silence.... disbelief fills my body... I think I heard my backbone literally say "Buh-bye. I'm off to Vegas-- you are on your own."
"Really? I'm not sure that's such a good idea" I say, "and it would be nice for me to get out and away from them for a bit...I mean I do have them all of the..."
"Let's go get them."
"Wow. Okay." (by this time my backbone was sending me selfies by the Bellagio Fountain).
So awkward visit down to the neighbors we go, where I wasn't exactly ready to unveil my first kind of dating relationship yet - I mean the first one to last more than two dates... and now, the neighbors have to / get to meet this guy, while I attempt to retrieve my kids...who don't really want to go with us - they want to ride Vespas and play hoopes with my very cool neighbors.... Frankly in that moment, I did too.
After bribery with FroYo, my seven year old son...and the toddler... come along on the ice cream social... It's all a very horrible memory for me.
Fast forward to a season later where a different man I knew as a teen but who I hadn't seen in 26 years flies across the country to visit and explore a romantic connection, and we have an epically long weekend jam packed with my kids normal life of activities and football games and dinners... this man hadn't had kids of his own, or spent much time around them per say, so he was a little oblivious how to just BE intimately around them... but he insisted on maximum kid time in the planning - after all, he was very serious about me as a 16 year old so we must still feel this way about each other at 40, right?!?
In fairness to him - he bit off more than most people could chew to presume he could waltz in and manage himself around strong personalities of my particular children. Let's not minimize the noisy toddler and the effect this can have on someone who has not had to spend intensive time around one of these specimens before.... All while trying to evaluate how he felt just being around me - while in FULL BLOWN MOTHERING MODE. My kids may have put him a bit through the ringer. Meanwhile, I was so busy making sure my kids were okay that I couldn't take a sec to ponder, how did I feel about this man and myself around this man? What a mess that felt.
Again - in attempt to see where this relationship might be headed, I lost all traces of my backbone... Like my backbone was once again playing blackjack and craps in Vegas and maybe handing out dollar bills, I dunno.
It's not always this way...I suspected one man became totally skittish when he knew my kids knew anything at all about his existence in my life. All of these share a couple things in common:
1. They were out of balance with reality.
2. My role as mother who knows best for her kids and family was not trusted at best, undermined, at worst.
Why does my strong mothering backbone take a vacation when I'm dating?
Because I don't have any idea how to do this... Because maybe I've been too much of a "people-pleaser" in this process.
The right thing to do with children... is probably someplace in the middle. My backbone needs to be on duty and on call.. no vacays allowed...
I think the most responsible thing a parent can do - or what I'd like to do going forward, is to spend a handful of times with an individual and decide - together -if this connection is going to be at least a little more committed than the others have been. Then decide - together - what everyone is comfortable with on how to move forward and allow space to see if the kids can form a meaningful connection and bond with the new person in my life.
I've been on - no joke - like 75+ dates last year. A majority of these occurred before my mother's passing last year. I really needed a hiatus to take emotional inventory after she died. There were weeks where I went out 2-3 times for breakfast, cocoa or dinner with different people. Where I couldn't thoroughly Google a man or had limited information on him, I often met him out in public to minimize people coming to the door to fetch me and to maximize my family's safety and privacy regarding my address. I also live in a tight-knit neighborhood where people notice coming and goings and I've been trying to minimize chatter.
I have also determined online dating is the crutch newly divorced people use to force themselves to get out there, or people who are too shy to approach men or women in their normal course of activities. I'm gathering that many of us who have used it were those left by spouses, whose egos and senses of self took big hits and we needed a platform to regroup and survey the scene while still being authentic Nervous-Nellies in real life about getting back in the saddle.
I've absolutely abandoned online dating because I've morphed into a more confident sense of myself that I can now flirt and make conversation at Whole Foods, the gym, the ski hill and any other place I find myself in... I've come a long way in a year.
Now it's time I get more serious about getting more serious, though -- I want to. Which is why I'm laying better groundwork now in regards to my children.... musings and introspect on why I haven't yet become more serious about getting more serious is coming in the next post.
Ciao.
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